10 min read

Lawyer Stories

How many lawyer jokes are in existence? Only three. All the rest are true stories.

"Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." – Winston Churchill

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you are dead.

The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the accused. "The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it." "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is 130."

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them.

My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he's a sue chef.

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your timesheets."

A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated pub discussion about which of their professions is actually the oldest. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer smiles and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen, who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has a dirt bag on the inside.

Why is it illegal for lawyers to sleep with their clients? It prevents people being charged twice for essentially the same service.

As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

A man in an interrogation room says, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present." "You are the lawyer," says the policeman. "Exactly, so where's my present?" replies the lawyer.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement? A whine cellar.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they're boring.

What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture doesn't take its wingtips off at night.

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months." "What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "You're right," the lawyer replied. "It's mine."

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?" "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. "A judge is an honorable man," he said, "If you do that, I guarantee you'll lose the case!"

Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer's favor. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars?" the senior partner asked. "Oh, I did send them," the younger lawyer replied. "I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them."

A lawyer passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodation. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only option was to appeal. The lawyer immediately said that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was ridiculous, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days if the lawyer was willing to change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips move.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and there were snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn't get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, "Quick, call a lawyer!" "A lawyer? Why?" "We need someone who speaks their language."

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says, "Would you say you're honest?" "Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" "Dad sued me for the money."

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want him arrested for?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

An elderly man, 82, was told by his doctors that he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life, his Doctor, his Priest, and his Lawyer, and says: "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here because you're the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favor. Today I am going to give each of you an envelope with £50,000 in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, and the doctor said, "I have to admit I kept £10,000 of his money, he owed me lots of private medical bills. But I threw the other £40,000 in." The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept £25,000 for the church. It's all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in." The Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a cheque for the whole amount and threw it in."

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the attorney asked. "Give me the bad news first," said Rodney. "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," said the attorney. "That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress," replied the attorney.

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.

A man asks his Solicitor: "If I give you £400, will you answer two questions for me?" The solicitor replies: "Absolutely! What's the second question?"

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yeah, but we can't prove it yet!"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?

Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course – the other three are mythological creatures.

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say, "Fees!"

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.